Reading hundreds of pages from What Colour Is Your Parachute?
Taking a bus down to Halifax Shopping Centre to pay $100 on my outstanding phone & internet bill. Only $240 to go!
Teaching a piano lesson with Gould.
Writing introspectively in my journal.
Being asleep by 10 or 11 pm (working on my sleep hygeine)

I am feeling the urge to become as healthy and strong and productive as I can in the following months.

There are funerals and babies. People leaving old homes, old roommates, old friends & lovers, and starting a bit anew. People not sure what they are going to be doing in the near future, where they will be living, how they are going to survive the winter.

I have to wonder if I just started noticing how crazy everyone’s lives are. I don’t think that’s actually the case, though. I’m convinced, we’re all caught up in something that might be a little bit bigger than all of us. Truly, it does seem like the people I’m around the most are caught up in some kind of cosmic force that’s causing a great dis-shelving of our lives. I’ve actually experienced a day or two, and I think others have with me, that felt guided by some energy none of us could quite describe.

There was a nice sunny day that followed a month and a half of grey skied Halifax misery. A couple of friends and I biked around town, to the labour board (hopefully for my benefit) and to various bicycle shops. We also drove through thickets of people on the waterfront, the whole time feeling like some sort of zen-like teenage-minded 30 year old’s, weaving through the summer pedestrian traffic. There was a cruise ship in town at the time.

Later that afternoon, Vickers, who happened to be taking the recycles down to the garbage room, happened upon a collection of dozens of old 45′s from decades ago, presumably from somebody’s old jukebox. We found an old “Oh Canada” record, something that looks like it belonged in community organisation or an elementary school, provided for by the federal government. It seemed like they were put aside just for us, the crazy loons pumping all sorts of music from our apartment at all hours of the day and night, from Elvis Costello to the Rolling stones, from Roy Orbison to the Dead Boys. Lest we forget the weird jazz, electronic music, bluegrass, fiddle music and whatever else is going on at the time.

That day feels like it happened ages ago. That was in my old apartment, where I had been staying for almost 3 years. We flew the coop the eve of the 31st of June. Meagan and I had enough of our slum-like landlords, who left us with an un-closeable living room window since November. They probably think we owe them rent for July and August; we think our lease is broken and we don’t owe anything. Those last few weeks in that place, I started getting very anxious, a little bit paranoid, and noticeably upset.

I had approached the landlord in May, about getting August’s rent for free while he kept our damage deposit. He said the tenancy board probably wouldn’t agree that half a month’s rent was due compensation for being forced to live in a slum (paraphrasing, of course). He said Vickers was “trespassing”.

I got fired from my job by the end of May. My boss put me in a bad position, where I didn’t have time for a lunch break, but still expected me to show up on time. I did not, and my boss and I did not share the same view about the situation at hand and how we should be dealing with it. The next day, after work, I was “let go”. All that after biking around during the shitty rainy Nova Scotia winter, cleaning fucking toilets and scrubbing bathtubs and meticulously scouring my boss’s kitchen to the best of my ability, only to consistently get shit on for taking too long to do my job properly.

Around the end of April, I barely finished my degree with an acceptable GPA. I received an F in what I considered a remedial university-level math course. I was headed for a GPA that would have found me kicked out of school. Rather, I did get good enough grades and passed the courses I needed to complete my degree requirements. As soon as I pay my greater than $2000 outstanding tuition bill, I will graduate with a BSc, majoring in Computer Science and Mathematics. The only reason my GPA was good enough, was on April Fools Day, the university decided that, for courses a student repeated, only the highest grade of the repeated course would be calculated into the GPA. Does that make sense?

Vickers practically moved into that old place in march, and within months lost his job. He has a lot going on in his life, too.

Meagan found a new place to live, a week before we flew outta that old apartment. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her.

I’ve pretty much been trying to have a good time since I lost my job. I find myself on my friend’s living room couch, now sipping on whiskey and smoking cigarettes and weed late into the morning. I do not feel like sleeping tonight. I did sleep almost all day, late into the morning and most of the afternoon and evening.

I started smoking tobacco again after 18 months smoke-free. Ohh that old nostalgic, comforting feeling. My diet is a disaster; I went from a daily diet of hempseeds, oats & berries to french fries, pizza & burgers. I drink daily, and dream of a life of tenting on the bicycle trails. I’ve started writing again, which is hopefully a good thing. I almost hate to say it, but to some extent I’m enjoying this life. I hope it’s not too detrimental.

My parents recently bought a summer home in Cape Breton, on the Bras d’Or lake. I’d like to do some bike journeying, perhaps to there and around the island, or beyond. But I have to worry about paying rent again soon. I can’t bum around forever.

Maybe I can fix up and sell some of the junk computers I’ve accumulated, maybe get some unemployment insurance, maybe a welfare check, in order to pay for my apartment in September. Maybe then, I’ll get some kind of steady work. I’d like to do something part-time, like work in a cafe, while tutoring math students or teaching guitar lessons. I’d also like to do some “freelance software architecture”. That should pay the bills, provide the stable income I’d like to have, while allowing enough freedom to hopefully harness some creative energy.

I do hope things settle down a bit. If I do find myself again in the future freewheeling around, I hope it’s with a little more financial backing and something to fall back on. Right now, I have no safety net, when what I really want right now is to just live comfortably with my friends & family around me, if only for a little while. I’ve got so much going on, emotionally and otherwise, some things that I haven’t admitted or spoken much about, I feel like some of the people closest to me may not even know quite who I am or what I’m going through, if I even know that much about myself.

Today I organised all my stuff. I arranged my massive bedroom closet, my clothes drawers, my school papers, and a myriad of documents I’ve kept for the last 10 years, since I first moved out of my parents house. I now know where everything is at, and anything I need I should be able to easily find.

I ended up putting an entire blue bag of old papers into the recycling. Old notes from school, receipts, dozens of bank statements dating through numerous years, old cheques I’ve wrote that have since been cashed and returned to me, probably a hundred pay stubs from numerous jobs, insurance agreements, leases from half a decade ago, multiple copies of the residential tenancy act, old resumes, and pretty much every other bit of information that pertains to my person that I really don’t need to keep anymore. I had pretty much saved every bit of paper that relates to me from 1999 to 2006. Except for my loan agreements a few records of employment, and a few things I’d like to put into a scrap book, today I threw it all away. I also removed a plastic cover that’s been on my bed’s box spring for the last three years.

I’ve been thinking about how, come April, I’m putting a large phase of my life behind me. I’ll be finished with University, at least for the foreseeable future. Today I removed most traces of my life from the last 10 years. It feels quite therapeutic, actually.

It really struck me, as I was cleaning this stuff out, that I am an entirely different person than I was 10 years ago, with an entirely different viewpoint. Going through all these old bank records, I realised how seriously I used to take all that financial stuff. Being smart with my finances, looking forward to mortgages, moving towards an end goal of owning a house, having a career, and being settled financially. Getting ahead, leaving it all behind.

Now, I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I dream of being a professional musician, teaching part time, and basically continuing on in my search for knowledge. The idea of settling down, living for a home and a career, really frightens me now. I feel that my health, and knowledge, will be my greatest wealth. All I want to do is keep learning, and keep living.

For now, I’m going to cut this post short and lay down. This headache is a doozy, and I’m really tired. I still have a list of things I’d like to get done before school starts up again for the winter. Including:

sell my tv
fix some computers
work on my bicycles
find some hockey gear
seal the broken window in the living room
take my backpack to the tailor
make appointment with tenants association or whoever they are to discuss getting out of my lease because of broken living room window
do some research on my music project… more on that later

It’s been a busy couple of weeks. There’s still much to do, but things are winding down, and it feels great to have things as organised as I do. It took me all afternoon, until late this evening, an entire day really, but it’ll make things seem more right, and I don’t need all that crap from the past weighing me down anymore. I’ve worked off all the mental baggage over the past years, and now I’ve rid myself of the paper trail. Or something like that. wow I’m tired and my head hurts.

I am sick and tired of struggling through university. I do not do many of the healthy things I enjoy doing while trying to get through school. This must end.

I will be writing some Blog entries here throughout the coming weeks, as I won’t be working on courses until sometime in January. Please “stay tuned”, if you’re interested. I have some pile to unload.

I feel like this test was designed very considerately. I feel terrible for the look I gave my professor at the end of the exam. I believe the look was of angry defeat. I felt his countenance change. That makes me very sad, I feel the sadness in my eyes even as I type this sentence.

In anger, I broke a pencil when there were only 15 minutes left in the exam. Only 3 out of 6 sections of my test answered by that point. By the time the exam was over, I was fully angry, almost to the point of throwing tables. Trying to leave the room, the instigators (or whatever they’re called, I believe there’s a name for them, the people who take the students writing exams to the bathroom and such) were yelling at us to sit down and wait until everyone handed their papers in. I was not in the mood for being told what to do. I almost kept going, I almost did throw tables. I felt repressed.

I feel frustrated, and I feel like I let down my professor, and myself, and everybody else. I tried as hard as I believe I possibly could. This is extremely painful.

I don’t think most people even know any better.  The people who know, do know, but the people who don’t, well… I’m pretty sure I come across as a “normal” person.

Some people have a problem with my minimalism.  I suppose they think I’ve got a problem, and am acting out in a strange, antisocial, disastrous manner.  Well, they’re right about one thing.

Anyways, anybody who has a problem with how I live my life should probably frig off.

Surprise, you knew what lay beneath all this time.

To swim up for air
while the safe vessel of peaceful venture
sleeps;
destroyed.

To make it to the top
to breath the chilling air
only to dive down again
the thrill of life
the waves, over and over
living
like swimming with the tide.

I promise I’ll start posting more frequently once again.

40%. That’s an F. I got a 37% on my final exam. It was 22 pages long. Epic Fail, as they say these days.

I have never been so disappointed and upset by a grade before. I’ve admittedly been in tears, off an on, for the last two days. I feel like I finally got my shit together after so many years, tried my very hardest, and still can’t cut it. It’s very, very frustrating.

I’m now on the chopping block, after working on my degree over the past 10 years. If I don’t get an A- and a B+ in my other two courses (Cryptography and Graph Theory) I’m supposed to get kicked out of school, according to the rules. I’d be eligible for readmission after a year’s worth of self-reflection and torrid introspection. I am, after all, the worst student to ever grace the grounds of the university and deserve the utmost severe penalty granted to a degree granting institution.

Now, to put the blame on someone else. I feel that, this being university, I should be given extra consideration. I feel my professor knows I’ve tried extremely hard this semester, and that I have a good grasp on the fundamentals of the course. He probably feels, as I do, that given a good two days to study for my exam, with the amount of sleep that is also required to do this, I would probably ace the exam at this point. Seeing as this is supposed to be university, a place of higher learning, and not simply a certification mill, I should probably be given extra concern and not be kicked out of school.

Or maybe I should do what my moral conscious tells me, and drop out of school and say fuck you to the university and not bother with my last few courses needed to graduate. Tell them how little I think of their degree. Right now, if I had my degree (not possible, given the situation I’m in, I know) I’d probably shit on it and hang it up in the alumni’s waiting room or whatever. This is at least some representation of how I feel about university right at this very moment.

ohh ya the song that goes along with this post is “Manifest Destiny” by Guster. Look it up.