This week, I’ve felt very disconnected from my friends, and even my self. When I stop and think for a moment, I realise that there is very much happening in everybody’s life, seemingly in a very short time. Everyone I’m around seems to be living a very tumultuous existence.
There are funerals and babies. People leaving old homes, old roommates, old friends & lovers, and starting a bit anew. People not sure what they are going to be doing in the near future, where they will be living, how they are going to survive the winter.
I have to wonder if I just started noticing how crazy everyone’s lives are. I don’t think that’s actually the case, though. I’m convinced, we’re all caught up in something that might be a little bit bigger than all of us. Truly, it does seem like the people I’m around the most are caught up in some kind of cosmic force that’s causing a great dis-shelving of our lives. I’ve actually experienced a day or two, and I think others have with me, that felt guided by some energy none of us could quite describe.
There was a nice sunny day that followed a month and a half of grey skied Halifax misery. A couple of friends and I biked around town, to the labour board (hopefully for my benefit) and to various bicycle shops. We also drove through thickets of people on the waterfront, the whole time feeling like some sort of zen-like teenage-minded 30 year old’s, weaving through the summer pedestrian traffic. There was a cruise ship in town at the time.
Later that afternoon, Vickers, who happened to be taking the recycles down to the garbage room, happened upon a collection of dozens of old 45′s from decades ago, presumably from somebody’s old jukebox. We found an old “Oh Canada” record, something that looks like it belonged in community organisation or an elementary school, provided for by the federal government. It seemed like they were put aside just for us, the crazy loons pumping all sorts of music from our apartment at all hours of the day and night, from Elvis Costello to the Rolling stones, from Roy Orbison to the Dead Boys. Lest we forget the weird jazz, electronic music, bluegrass, fiddle music and whatever else is going on at the time.
That day feels like it happened ages ago. That was in my old apartment, where I had been staying for almost 3 years. We flew the coop the eve of the 31st of June. Meagan and I had enough of our slum-like landlords, who left us with an un-closeable living room window since November. They probably think we owe them rent for July and August; we think our lease is broken and we don’t owe anything. Those last few weeks in that place, I started getting very anxious, a little bit paranoid, and noticeably upset.
I had approached the landlord in May, about getting August’s rent for free while he kept our damage deposit. He said the tenancy board probably wouldn’t agree that half a month’s rent was due compensation for being forced to live in a slum (paraphrasing, of course). He said Vickers was “trespassing”.
I got fired from my job by the end of May. My boss put me in a bad position, where I didn’t have time for a lunch break, but still expected me to show up on time. I did not, and my boss and I did not share the same view about the situation at hand and how we should be dealing with it. The next day, after work, I was “let go”. All that after biking around during the shitty rainy Nova Scotia winter, cleaning fucking toilets and scrubbing bathtubs and meticulously scouring my boss’s kitchen to the best of my ability, only to consistently get shit on for taking too long to do my job properly.
Around the end of April, I barely finished my degree with an acceptable GPA. I received an F in what I considered a remedial university-level math course. I was headed for a GPA that would have found me kicked out of school. Rather, I did get good enough grades and passed the courses I needed to complete my degree requirements. As soon as I pay my greater than $2000 outstanding tuition bill, I will graduate with a BSc, majoring in Computer Science and Mathematics. The only reason my GPA was good enough, was on April Fools Day, the university decided that, for courses a student repeated, only the highest grade of the repeated course would be calculated into the GPA. Does that make sense?
Vickers practically moved into that old place in march, and within months lost his job. He has a lot going on in his life, too.
Meagan found a new place to live, a week before we flew outta that old apartment. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her.
I’ve pretty much been trying to have a good time since I lost my job. I find myself on my friend’s living room couch, now sipping on whiskey and smoking cigarettes and weed late into the morning. I do not feel like sleeping tonight. I did sleep almost all day, late into the morning and most of the afternoon and evening.
I started smoking tobacco again after 18 months smoke-free. Ohh that old nostalgic, comforting feeling. My diet is a disaster; I went from a daily diet of hempseeds, oats & berries to french fries, pizza & burgers. I drink daily, and dream of a life of tenting on the bicycle trails. I’ve started writing again, which is hopefully a good thing. I almost hate to say it, but to some extent I’m enjoying this life. I hope it’s not too detrimental.
My parents recently bought a summer home in Cape Breton, on the Bras d’Or lake. I’d like to do some bike journeying, perhaps to there and around the island, or beyond. But I have to worry about paying rent again soon. I can’t bum around forever.
Maybe I can fix up and sell some of the junk computers I’ve accumulated, maybe get some unemployment insurance, maybe a welfare check, in order to pay for my apartment in September. Maybe then, I’ll get some kind of steady work. I’d like to do something part-time, like work in a cafe, while tutoring math students or teaching guitar lessons. I’d also like to do some “freelance software architecture”. That should pay the bills, provide the stable income I’d like to have, while allowing enough freedom to hopefully harness some creative energy.
I do hope things settle down a bit. If I do find myself again in the future freewheeling around, I hope it’s with a little more financial backing and something to fall back on. Right now, I have no safety net, when what I really want right now is to just live comfortably with my friends & family around me, if only for a little while. I’ve got so much going on, emotionally and otherwise, some things that I haven’t admitted or spoken much about, I feel like some of the people closest to me may not even know quite who I am or what I’m going through, if I even know that much about myself.
